Gorilla Welfare

Thinking a lot lately about changes in my attitude. They resulted from completely giving up on everything. I can't make things work that don't. It's a relief not to have to try so hard.  So, here's one thing I learned that I think is important enough to pass along... Don't try to wrestle with your emotions. They will totally kick your ass.  They don't speak English and they carry all the really good weapons:  your brain chemicals, your cravings, your mood, your memories, your hormones, your whole physiology.  They can toss you around like a gorilla throwing a rag doll. But the thing to realize is, this gorilla actually *LOVES* you.  You are it's baby and it just wants to help you "be happy".  It can be short-sighted and irrational and doesn't always plan very well, but if you don't either and you are miserable, it will step in and take over.  If you are not respecting yourself and your own rights it will begin to send you messages.  Things like nightmares, dread, depression, boredom, distractions, hopelessness, addictions, daydeams, stress, attractions, impotence, panic attacks, ulcers, sudden hair loss, receding gums, and chronic pain.  The messages will escalate until it gets your attention... Warnings:  If you ever vomit on the way up to a door, for goodness' sake, don't open that door, just turn around. If you EVER feel like ending your life, you probably actually DO need to end--not your living, breathing existence--but your LIFE, how you are living.  What is the most drastic change you could conceivably make and if you made that change, could things REALLY be EVEN worse?  If you really want to "end your life" you are under no reasonable obligation to continue with what you are doing the way you are doing it.  Change everything.  CAN you do it by yourself and how, or why not?  Who can help?  SOMEONE can if you look for them. I'd heard the phrase "you have to deal with your emotions" often enough but couldn't actually *DO* anything with that until one day it struck me literally: "*MAKE* a deal with your emotions".  So this little mindhack helped:  I listen carefully to what my subconcious is telling me, try to figure out what goal it's trying to accomplish and decide what approach I want to go with.  It IS literally talking to myself but I don't buy into the stigma on people talking to themselves. I acknowledge the feelings and ask for my deal...  "Yes, I know, that IS a sad situation.  Let's have a good cry over that later after I get home from work and for now maybe I'll keep my mind occupied with work stuff, okay?"  "Yes, I can see where you're coming from, and it's TOTALLY understandable for a person to feel that way if they are Human.  I'm sorry about the way real life works and that there are no shortcuts, but I'll do what I can for you, okay?"   "Thanks for the idea, that DOES sound like it could be fun/delicious/a nice treasure, but the consequences would probably exceed the benefits.  How about we do this other thing for now, and see how that works, okay?"  "Sure, it would be cool to spend time playing but the waste of all that time usually leads to disappointment.  The sense of accomplishment from doing something productive will be better and more lasting.... How about we play afterwards, okay?"   And the subconcious is SO happy to finally get some consideration and appreciation that it's pretty cool with my deals and seems to use it's influence to help me make those deals work out. This all just sounds like "self-control".  But the distinction is that it's easier to buddy up with the 800-pounds of emotions than to try to CONTROL them.

Today

Today I took my Mom's boxes of photographs off my kitchen table. I took her photograph off my wall. I've never been one for photos of loved ones all around. It's not that I don't care, I get too emotional. When I had pictures of my children on my desk, I couldn't get anything done I'm more of a photo album kind of person. I like to get into it and reminisce, not just walk past my love on the way to the bathroom. Or not walk past, not be blind, be blind-sided. "Oh, Look..." I took her ashes down off my front shelf, underneath it was her death certificate. I wrapped it in a beautiful silk scarf from China. It's not that it was in my face, or in my way. I wasn't constantly tripping over a big black death-brick. It's just what does it mean, what do I do, this is incomplete, is she mine now? Do I have to want to keep this? Do I? I took everything, well not everything, but the things I mentioned above... I put them in the laundry room cabinet and closed the doors. They are not gone, they are set aside with honors, kept safe for when I am ready..

Futurity

Hmm, well, been through a lot of changes....my kids are staying with their dad mostly... The teenagers are "batchin' it". It's all good, good male bonding time...

There are still "technical" issues... Okay, money issues. :p



I've had a lot of growing and changing to do each new person I become asks the last one, "What were you thinking?". I appreciate the answers... Personal growth is pretty interesting...

One thing I learned is that the important thing is not what happened but what you did to make it better...

So sad to mention that my dad passed away recently after a long, slow illness... Bedridden for three years... He's in a better place.

Lost and Found

I think my year begins in Fall. Things seem to change for me in mid to late September every year.

I'm just kind of thinking of the time periods. The last few years have kind of run together. They've been about stages. And it doesn't seem like gradually stages where things fade into each other slowly, but more demarcated, like discoveries: I didn't know and now I do. I couldn't and now I can.

I would not expect to be happy, and really I'm not Happy-Happy about the breakdown of my marriage but really I am kind of more serene now. It's been a long time through stages of trauma, recovery, healing, awareness, finding my eyes (seeing how things really are), finding my feet (realizing I can explore my world), finding my arms (relating to other people on a deeper level), and finding my hands (understanding my power to change my environment and circumstances).

Sloth it Off

Wow, just had a really crazy month and a half in which my brother finally came to visit. Things eventually got weird as in too much nervous energy and cabin fever for him. I'm glad he's back and happy again. I want to rest and breath but I've got too much to do. Not that I'm not just resting, but I'm feeling really guilty about it. So what do they call that? ...rest without relaxation?

The Pics

I've been looking at pictures of the devastation in Japan. I can't even stand to look at it. So sad. So much destruction.

Wishes For Fishes

Woke up despeately missing my fishes. Angel Rocket, a white tetra and Volcano, a black and orange guppy the color of cooling lava. They were troopers. They lasted over a year as we added other pretty little no-name fish, like the tiny ones with the electric blue stripe down the side. I loved to watch the tank every night when I sang my boys to sleep with "Colors of the Wind" from Pocahontas. (That's what they wanted to hear and it always did the trick even though I'd have to get kind of loud to reach the high notes.) One day we bought a new tetra from M@*!@&'s. He was going to be a new best friend for Volcano and Angel Rocket. A day or two later, everybody looked funny, kind of "mossy". They had Ick, which is such a descriptive name. We put the drops in and tried to save them but everyone died... So I woke up in the middle of the night, deeply sad about the fish I used to love and the little children who used to love them.